A fork, the right fork.
As you well know I haven’t been dating anyone seriously for over 2 years. I have in the mean time, been seriously dating lots of people in the last 2 years. This means simply that I see lots of people on a regular basis, but that I am very candid about my feelings, or lack there of and want to keep things superficial. This isn’t to say I’m a superficial person. This meant, I wasn’t ready to be in a serious relationship that required lots of time, effort or commitment from my otherwise stretched, pinched and minimal free time.
I haven’t been prepared to fall in love. I haven’t really even been prepared to have a crush on anyone I’ve met either. I have been doing a great job of “playing the field.” ^_^
Almost two years ago I met Sean. My life has not been the same. We were at first only friends online. Then later we met in person and both of us knew…we just knew. :-) However, it didn’t work out the first few months. We wanted different things. We broke off the romantic part of our relationship and became just friends. It was still lovely. It was kind of awkward at first transitioning back to being friends when we had already crossed that other line, but we both valued each other so much, we were willing to make a friendship work.
In short. I was devastated. I wanted him so badly. I felt deep in my heart we were meant to be. But it wasn’t so at the time. I began dating furiously to forget my pain.
I wanted to be happy. I was happy eventually. I settled into dating lots of other people and tried to move on.
During this time I met some really nice guys. One guy in particular, really made me question if Sean was the only one for me. We had long talks, walks and interesting visits over a few months time. I enjoyed being with him, but felt unsettled. I liked him, felt attracted to him, but sometimes felt unsafe with his attitude towards a few things. I was torn.
Sometimes I know I can trust my feelings. Sometimes I know I cannot. I never know which is which.
Sean made serious advances towards me when I visited him a few months ago. I gave him the “I’m in school, don’t want a boyfriend right now.” speech. :-) I staved him off the best I could. Hehe.
During this time I did see other guys. Several in fact. It was stated that I was just looking to hang out, have fun etc. They got the same speech Sean had. When push came to shove I chose Sean. Or rather he chose me, he pursued, chased and woo-ed me, while all the rest were being patient or something like that. Lol.
Before I made the decision to stop dating and looking around. I had a good hard look at how these men responded to any new developments in my crack brainy ways. Or even how they would respond when I needed patience over a situation involving school or my kids.
It wasn’t hard to pick Sean. He is so far above these other men in my heart anyway…but I realized that I held out because I felt/knew that my other choices weren’t right.
A few of these guys aren’t happy with me now. Some of them called me a tease or a slut. A couple of them said I lied or betrayed them. I figure it’s a sign of character. The fact that they aren’t my friend in spite of my choices confirm that they never seriously considered me more than an object anyway. And I sleep great knowing that I chose a guy who understands what I’m about and that even I need help making decisions sometimes! I’ve been in that place with Sean, where our friendship was all we had. I need to know that truth about whatever relationship I am in. That being friends with me is enough. That I am not just a trophy or a sex object. That someone could love me, just for me and not need anything from me other than to know me. That’s what was missing with all the rest.
I am not an expert on relationships. In fact I probably flubbed up all the friendships I made with the men I had dated.
But my advice to my friends out there. When you are dating, be cautious who you let in. You’re valuable and worth waiting, pursing, chasing and woo-ing!! ^_^ Don’t settle for any one but the best person for you.
-wayword
Wayword Girl
