Wayword Girl

I’m finally out of the hospital. 

I went back to work in less than 12 hours of leaving that place. I think it means I am a workaholic. 

My kids are gone with their dad still. Makes me so lonely. At the same time I am avoiding my life on south hill like the plague. It just makes me lonely. 

My last week was an eye opener. I pretty much almost died. I haven’t said that out loud to anyone because it’s…difficult to admit that you almost killed yourself because you’re poor, and prideful. lol. 

It gave me a good wake up call though. I have been watching what I eat…very very carefully. I don’t know that I’ve ever been this careful. I literally count out every gram of food that I put in my mouth. I actually debated on chewing gum today at work. My week in the hospital was one of the roughest times of my life. 

It was throwing up, headaches, dizziness, needles, blood, sugar and constant fatigue. I am sick of myself honestly. So…I’m attempting to turn a new leaf. But, it sucks. 

No one I know eats healthy. At all. 

• I’ve never been so obsessed with food. 
• the thought of food.
• what food is made of.
• what it costs to eat it.
• how your body digests it.
• deliberating what is worth my while…

Also

• crazy about my fingernails. 
• pedicures.
• pandora.
• knitting.
• my boyfriend. 
• not staying at home if I can absolutely help it. 

•my blood sugar is finally around 120ish. The headaches are killing me at the moment.

•my dr isn’t letting me go home until I’m under 100.

•my fingers look like purple grapes. The tips are blue and black from all the blood sugar checks.

•my stomach looks worse as I’m taking up to 6-8 insulin shots a day.

•my plan from here on out is to NEVER have this happen again.

•my boyfriend has been the best. He’s been so supportive. I haven’t told anyone but my mom and my friend D that I’m here. I’ve only let Chris come see me tho.

•my attitude about visitors sucks.
But there’s a reason. And I’m not ready to talk about it yet. But soon. :-)

•my head has felt like its going to explode non-stop since I got here. It’s a good feeling to be under control again tho.

•my heart really misses my kiddos. They’re away on vacation and having such a good time. But being here in the hospital makes me lonely for them.

-Wayword

•Still in the hospital. My headache is killing me. I don’t deal well with pain at all. I’m a huge crybaby.
•Chris left me pretty early yesterday. I felt like it was selfish. So I realized I depend on him too much. So I’m trying to deal…but it’s annoying.
•I miss the kids. I should at this point in time be getting them back. But I’m not because they’re on vacation with their dad. I need my little family.
•I am probably going to break out of the hospital and go home to get new pajamas. I’m only telling you this.
•I really am tired of being sick. Diabetes is no fun. I have stabbed myself 17 times for insulin and over 24 times for glucose checks. Needles are never fun!!!

-Wayword

I am currently at the hospital. I was admitted about 8:30 this morning due to high uncontrolled blood sugar and possible acidosis.

Lame.

Waiting for my labs to come back.

Worried because I have no health insurance.
Scared because I don’t want to be sick.
Tired because life never stops.
Thankful because I’m still alive.
Happy because I’m loved by my kids and Chris.
Upset because I am missing work today.

Think I’ll have a nap.

-Wayword

I am feeling so overwhelmed.

Today is my annidivorceaversary. It would have been 15 years. Thank the stars it’s not. Lol

The kids are doing well with bouncing back and forth between their Dad’s house and mine.

I am saving money for a house. By the powers that be…we will be living in a house by Sept!

I have exciting news. I am not telling you. Yet!

I need sleep. So this is all for now.

Potatoes!

Wayword.

I wrote this right after I became agnostic. I wrote it specifically for people like my ex and his Cabbage Vag whoring gf. Lol. Still rings true.

“I have a problem with Christians. Rather, the people who call themselves such and hide under the idea of free grace and undeserving love.
It gets me mostly because of my kids. Because I have come out from under this sham that their dad, his live-in-sin girlfriend, his church and his family currently embrace.
No one makes anyone do anything, but I can say that the above mentioned people especially helped in my decision to live a realistic, truthful life.
I haven’t claimed to be a christian in a very long time. And it’s mostly because I don’t want anyone to associate me with their ideas.

My kids live in two households. One, who holds the idea that Jesus loves you and forgives you for everything you do. So live however you want, because hey, Jesus loves you! He’ll forgive you! Their life at their Dad’s house is hypocritical. They go to church, but they don’t practice anything but greedy grace and stamping Jesus’ love all over their crap. It’s a total sham. Lies. It’s a life lived for themselves while they run around praising Jesus for loving someone as terrible as they are. They rejoice in it. They love their sin, they praise God for fixing them up when they mess up and boy! Are they glad to mention that their God will.

Me. My house. Let’s be honest. We don’t go to church. We don’t expect grace for anything but from each other; if we are even able to give it. We strive to do good. To serve each other. To lift each other up. Because we love each other. Not because we want a crown or some praise story to tell at bible study, but because we recognize that life is this moment. It’s today. It’s not an eternity that I’m chalking up to some guy in the sky. It’s me. Looking at my child’s face and loving them no matter what is swirling about us. We mess up. Are we happy that we did? No. We’re ashamed. We try harder. We fix our wrongs. We don’t hide under the banner of, “I don’t need you to forgive me, because Jesus already has.” It’s the truth.

I know lots of people who make attempts to live like Jesus does. But I know so many who don’t. Your Christian testimony does matter. I judge you. Lots of people do. Either get it right or quit mocking the God you love so much. You look stupid.
The End”

This letter reminds that religions that don’t give you any freedom to mess up are often filled with devoted people who give up their lives for some crazy ideas. I haven’t heard any of my Christian friends give up any of their sin…ever. (Especially my ex and his live in sin moron.) So maybe it’s time to change religions? Or evaluate the freedom you think you found in Christ…

This message brought to you by a realistic awakened agnostic.

Wayword

1) I am pampering myself and getting my hair cut and highlighted. I seldom do this at a salon. But my friend Nate is a stylist at this swanky salon. So I’m supporting him and giving me a nice present.

2) Tomorrow is City Cup. I am so nervous. Yet I feel so excited. I can barely hold it all in.

3) Work was rough today. And I stayed late to help finish a big project. It was nice and quiet tho. Everyone else went home because it’s Friday. That’s really the only day I can stay late to work because of my kiddos.

4) I only paid out $9 for allowances this week. And it was justifiable! Those darn kids! Didn’t really do chores this week.

5) I am trying to make time for my friends. Not just blow everyone off for Chris. It’s in my nature to please him. But, I miss my friends. A LOT. Hanging out isn’t the same.

-Wayword

• I love working. It’s the best, most fulfilling thing in my life. Because its predictable. And I’m good at it.

•I am ferocious in the work place. I made a co-worker cry. And it’s her fault. Because she’s slow and probably mildly retarded. I have taken over her job position, two of her work projects and I get the new office chair that she wanted. I don’t care. I love my job. I love that I am smart and a hard worker.

•I fail as a mom this week. I let my kids dance in the rain and now they have colds..I let them eat junk food and watch way too much tv. I also forgot to check chores this week. So now I have to bullshit my way into not paying them and making it their fault. Lol.

• I am now picking out songs I want played at our wedding. I can’t decide on colors. I’m thinking pink. Because I love pink.

•I think Chris’ friends like me more than they like him. It’s an interesting situation. Because they love him, but for hanging out, they like me.

•I need to lose like 20lbs. But all I want to do is not diet or exercise and just pop diet pills and drink diet soda.

•We have been getting a lot of rain in Spokane. I mumble about the rain a little, but it’s all lies. I love the rain. I wish it would be like this all the time.

•I am not saving very much money lately…

•This weekend should be über fun as my pool team made it to City Cup! We pulled the Wild Card, made it to playoffs. Now…We are City Cup Bound!! I’m stoked. My only thing is I want to play a match and win. Who cares about winning the whole she-bang? Not me. Just one match. This is probably why I married my ex. I had low expectations. Haha!

•Speaking of ex. He has been a wonderful dad. I want to get him something nice for father’s day. But I don’t know what?

Been nice talking at ya!

-Wayword