what I don’t know.

What I don’t know is how my kids deal with their dad. 

They know why we’re divorced. They know that he was not a good husband to me and that is why I divorced him. At first they blamed me. Now, they don’t blame anyone…they just…deal. 

How do you deal with that? 

I don’t have any clue because my father has been faithful to my mother. He treats her with love and respect. He adores her and takes care of her needs and wants. I have only seen him touch her gently and speak to her in loving tones. 

They have seen him make me cry. They have seen him hit me. They have seen the effects his unfaithfulness has had on my life. 

How do you deal with that? 

I ask them about it…because I wonder what it’s like to be them. What is their perspective? They shrug. They shrug and reply, “I don’t know. It’s just how it is.”

It also crosses my mind that he spends time with them. He LOVES them as much as I do. I know he does. He seldom misses his weekends with them. I mean…he has them EVERY weekend without a break for months at a time. He pays me child support and has NEVER EVER missed a payment…in like the whole 4 years we’ve been divorced. Not one. He does love them. He tries so hard to be a good dad. 

How…how do you have a relationship with a child you only see for like…36 hours a week? How do you talk and build a life with someone that you only know for a day or two at a time? How do they know him? How do they know their dad? Do they know their dad? 

I don’t know. 

The things I wonder. The things I don’t know.